Parenting, we are generally told and very often assume, is about two things: setting clear boundaries for your children (ie making them do certain things whether or not they see any sense in them), and compromise, or self-sacrifice.

Clear boundaries reinforced with as much humanity and respect as possible are no doubt better than neglecting your children and having them roam the streets with drugs and guns. If we don't talk to children about which ideas are good and safe and which ideas are destructive and bad for people (which is basically what moral discourse consists of), then they may well adopt terrible ones from somewhere else, and go and do those instead.

However, making people do things they can't see the sense in doesn't teach them good boundaries, or morals: only honest persuasion and demonstrating your beliefs through your actions in real life, can achieve that. If children don't want to listen to the ideas of their own parents, forcing them to do what they find wrong for themselves is obviously only going to make them inclined to talk with you even less.

At the same time, forcing yourself to do things you actually find wrong for yourself (hate, dislike or really don't enjoy) is a very bad habit indeed. It prevents you from addressing things properly, ie working out what needs to happen next so you can be happy <b>and</b> do the right thing! Believing that family equals compromise is a great way to set up your children to reject all your ideas. Why should anyone believe that doing the right thing by young people they love is a great big pain in the backside? How does that attitude aid the growth of your kids' emotional wellbeing?

Don't accept a compromised life, for yourself or your family: get real, live your own life to the full as a priority, and give your children a truly wonderful gift- the chance to see that having a family is a joy to be appreciated, not a second-rate trade-in for a bunch of other stuff you might have liked better only now they are born it's too late. 

Would you rather go out for the evening with a friend who genuinely loved seeing you, or with a relative who felt they ought morally to force themselves to see you now and then? Sacrificing yourself for other people's benefit isn't a favour; it's an insult. It may be the best we can manage sometimes, but we shouldn't accept the prevailing idea that this is the only way to run a family, because that is tantamount to telling our children that their existence has spoiled our lives. We don't have to let that happen. We can and should work out how to move forward in ways that suit us, as well as our children, because that's the only way to live honest and fulfilling relationships with people. The current elevation of the "value" of compromise to an essential parenting virtue is wrong and unnecessary.

You can choose rational discource with your children over force and discipline. You can choose the life you want with your family around you over submitting to disappointment and pessimism.

It's not easy. But how easy are things already? Parents and children accept all sorts of annoying, pointless and painful things in their lives: what if some or all of those could be solved in far better ways than most people would have you imagine? We think they very often can, just from addressing real problems really rationally. And we find that whole approach makes sense, because it works.