Not if all the good things associated with the use of minor or powerful force on children can be achieved by other, better means. We think problems with children (or, indeed, anybody) can be solved in one of three ways:
- Forcing or manipulating them into doing what you want,
- Forcing or manipulating yourself into doing what they want,
- Finding some other idea from somewhere which suits everyone.
And we think that 3. is the best thing to do, can be done far more easily than most people realise (see ideas about how below), and is the very substance of the kind of good, trusting, co-operative relationships we all want to establish and build on in our families (and of course, a family can be two people).
There are two ways in which finding agreed/shared preferences, or first-rate solutions as opposed to (however minimally) hurtful/deceitful ones, lead to a constructive and increasingly coercion-free life:
- By solving the problem in hand to everyones satisfaction,
- By contributing to a dynamic of co-operation and trust that continues into the next problem, and the towards the future of the relationship.
The deeper the consideration and regard you have for a person, the more your desires will overlap with theirs. It's very easy to give the last piece of cake to someone whose face you love to see light up with pleasure. Often, once we start discussing issues with people, we change our mind about things and decide it would be a joy to help them get what they want for themselves instead. The more children experience this from others, the more they are able to do it in return.
How do you find first-rate solutions to difficult problems?
Certain qualities and habits of thinking help, and can be developed through practice:
- Open-mindedness: maybe there are unconventional approaches that you are dismissing out of hand, which might benefit you,
- Creative inspiration: the better everyone feels and the more they enjoy working together, the easier it is to come up with completely new ideas about ways of doing things,
- A relaxed attitude; being open to experimentation is one way to learn- if things don't work out, one can always backtrack and start again.
There is an enormous history of received parenting ideas behind every family; however hard we try, some inherited unhelpful prejudices will always come back to haunt us, and the chances are we won't even know it when they do. The best way forward is always to be self-critical and actively seeking to learn as a parent: none of us has ever before been a parent of the people our children will be tomorrow morning! We should be committed to our own continuous learning, as parents: otherwise, how can we show our children how to learn?
There is no such thing as a parenting manual that will solve the problems of the family of tomorrow. As parents, we are facilitating the growth of people who will be changing the world in ways we can only imagine. Rational parenting keeps an eye on the good things about the traditions of the past, while being aware that the future is uncharted territory which we cannot prepare for by dogmatic adherence to customs we can no longer find a real meaning for. From babyhood to the teenage years, conventional parenting ideas are soaked in prejudices, handed-down assumptions and unproven norms. Some of these ideas have meaning, and others cause nothing but trouble, as Philip Larkin put it in his notorious poem:
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad,
They may not mean to, but they do."
Before we fuck up our own kids, we should stop and think about how to do the opposite, which is to give them good ideas they can actually use. They are only human beings, after all.
